Gettin' a little better...

Today was a great day...I got a chance to get an in-depth-behind-the-scenes tour of The Museum of Natural History with my friend D., a friend from here...and it was like a kid's wet dream. I've loved that place since I was a wee spud...been going there since I can remember...and today I got to go behind and see things not everyone else does...
To many it's not THAT big a deal, but I'm an Aquarian science chick as well as a writer/actress/whatever-the-fuck-I-do... and it definitely appealed to my many sides. My pal was so sweet...a nice man that I'm enjoying getting to know better.

My highschool friend Liza is in town for my birthday, and I'm so happy...I spent the latter part of the day with her and my neighbor, P., who had a fondue party we attended...YUM. Lots of wine, lots of cheese and meats...
Liza got me a beautiful gift and it was so wonderful to see her. Later, my pal T. called, and we both teased him...He is getting used to experiencing some kind of zaniness on the phone when he calls me, either from myself, or, as the case may be in this situation, from the people who are here with me...

I'm thrilled that my depression is lifting and that I can enjoy my birthday weekend to the fullest extent. The festivities have been going on since Thursday; I dined with Tonja that night and had a wonderful time, as usual; last night Liza and I saw Fiddler on the Roof and it was fabulous. Today was rockin; tomorrow is brunch with TG, afternoon cocktails with Jessamin, and a horror flick with Liza before she goes back to Philadelphia. We spent the last three hours getting her up on myspace. I'm so excited she's on there...
and then MONDAY is the party at the Metropol Horror fest that Kelly and I are celebrating our birthdays at...
and Tuesday is my actual birthday... I will spend it alone, reflecting, for most of the day, followed by a wonderful dinner with my parents.

The only thing that plays on my mind is where I stand with a certain gentleman that I am interested in and whom has appeared interested in me...I spoke to him a lot last weekend, and I know he's interested, but I am at a point where I really, really want the men to come to me, unless I feel like I know them well enough to not be too awkward making a move.
That said, I really need to get some things worked on myself first before the guy thing happens...
So...

I am going to take the next four days to really enjoy myself as well as get certain aspects of my life in order. I took them off from work, and intend to do something with them...It sounds like a lot that I'm doing this weekend, and it is; however, I have been a complete shut-in by my own design as of late...I haven't gone out with friends, haven't called people back...my depression reached a weird all-time-low and I was a bit freaked out. I am making up for lost time, I suppose. It's nice to know that people haven't not forgotten me...though, honestly, I knew along that they didn't. I am not that easy to forget. LOL

I noticed TG is on here and didn't add me as a friend...that irks me. He's supposed to take me out for brunch tomorrow...uh, what the fuck?

LMAO - ya know...it' just don' matter a hill of beans, I suppose, in the scheme of things...

Perhaps the Depression is Lifting...

I dunno...
*smile*

I think my depression is lifting somewhat...
Could it have been a menstrual thing?

Thanks to everyone who has called, written, supported in some way, or even allowed me to be a bit bitchy and hasn't written me off yet...
And to my friends who are wondering where I've been...

"Last seen, Diánna was drinking a bottle of Shiraz while eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's, while crying to a McDonald's commercial...she is officially MIA."

As Nanner at Myspace would say:
I heart you.

d

Control

I feel like I am losing it. Totally, completely, and utterly. I am totally losing control. I am having trouble maintaining my ability to talk to people who are friends who annoy me sometimes without telling them that they are such stupid, stupid fuckers. I'm having a difficult time pretending that I don't want to be intoxicated most of the time...even though I am usually relatively sober. I'm having lots of difficulty not telling most of them men in my life that are either friends, lovers, want-to-be lovers, or family that I really don't appreciate how I'm being treated, or how I'm not being treated, or that they don't have a fucking clue.

I'm an inch away from telling _____ to get fucked. He is more of a problem than a solution; an Iago of sorts, whispering the pearls of his harsh wisdom in my ear, his negativity, his spite; telling me what a failure I am in the same breath that he means well. He reminds me of all that is wrong, how fucked everything is, but offers no real solution, except the occasional "ya know?"

NO, YOU STUPID FUCKING PRICK. IF I KNEW, I WOULD TAKE CARE OF IT.

I'm sick of men. Period. I can't get what I want because it doesn't exist. It is a flight of fancy, a lie told to us through movies, tv and romance novels...I can't get what I want because my expectations and standards are too high. Hell, I can't even meet my own standards. It's all a miserable bunch of bullshit.

That's all.

I Should Just Enjoy a Good Thing, Right?

I think it's a sad state of affairs that my life has come to, when I get so excited about a phonecall from a man.
I suppose that it isn't that weird; the butterflies that we all feel when we really like someone are wonderful experiences that I shouldn't give myself shit for...I guess it's just that lately I have been kind of ho-hum about so much in my life...and then today, as I'm coming home from a stint of shoveling, my neighbor approaches me:

"We're having a fondue tonight; L. and O. will be there, so you are coming, yes? Bring some salad stuff. Oh, by the way, ____ called me and wanted your number...he's really upset, he lost it and wants to talk to you...so I gave him all your numbers."
And I swear I did a little jig in the hallway and was so happy...which continued as I came in and found out that he had called me twice. In fact, he called me four times today...once over at my neighbor's.

This, kids, makes our hero very happy...and that annoys me.

What is this freak's problem? You might ask. She got what she wanted - he called!

Yes, and I'm thrilled. I guess I mean that it annoys me that THAT makes me so giddy. Because, now, if I don't hear from him, I'm going to be bummed out...at least for a little while.
A friend not to long ago asked me if I'm bipolar. I was unsure...perhaps. I think, though, that if I am it is really only in relation to my relationships with people that I am attracted to, and how easily my happiness - or lack thereof - all rests on how I am treated by these people.

That is what annoys me...

But I'll tell ya, it feels nice anyway.

What the Fuck is Wrong with People?

And what the fuck is wrong with me?

I was searching through furniture companies, looking at bookcases, trying to decide if shelling out $200 on a bookcase is worth the peace of mind that I can get some of my apartment cleared up...and then I got bored when I realized that I really couldn't afford to fucking pay that right now...but I digress...
So, I'm cruising online, and I decide to take a left at Gothic Cabinet and Craft, and head on over to Yahoo, the mecca of information. Under the news?
"U.S. Christians Issue Gay Warning Over Kid Video" and it's an article about how a bunch of conservative radical Christian groups are now attacking Spongebob and a bunch of other cartoon characters in this video that is supposed to promote peace...they claim because the founding organization behind the video encourages tolerance, including tolerance of sexual identity. So THAT is supposed to make Spongebob not only gay, but also a threat to society because he's one of those "damn liberal queers."
The article is here

I swear to God, I'm disgusted. What is wrong with people? These are the same assholes that took the time to bitch that one of the teletubbies, the purple one with the purse, was gay (okay, it was Falwell, but they're all a bunch of freaks). First of all, yeah, so maybe the teletubbies are a little much anyway (they kind of freak me out), and yeah, if you're going to pick the Queen out of the whole bunch, the one that is in drag sporting lavender is probably your best bet, but for Chrissake, WHO GIVES A SHIT? Other than somthing to snicker about when you're doing a bong hit, why is it an issue? Do you think kids fucking care? They're just stoked to see a bunch of colors and shapes and high voices and love and friendship.
The freaks are these radical religious groups that take the time to see shit that isn't really there, or if it is, is only visible to adults...

Take Looney Tunes for example. All the Bugs Bunny cartoons and all that - most of them were filled all over the place with adult humor...but it was just out of the grasp of kids...kids see one thing and love it - and the adults see other stuff and snicker.

The article cracks me up.
"SpongeBob, who lives in a pineapple under the sea, was "outed" by the U.S. media in 2002 after reports that the TV show and its merchandise was popular with gays. His creator, Stephen Hillenburg, said at the time that although SpongeBob was an oddball, he thought of all the characters as asexual."

I reiterate: what the fuck is wrong with people? He's popular with gays, so that makes him a gay character who is setting a bad example? So I suppose Betty Boop strutting her tits out and squawking when she had her ass pinched was a better one? I love Betty, and part of the reason I love her is because she was a sweet little whore.


I think the reason that this rant is hitting me hard tonight is because people like these religious zealots have made me cringing on various levels: I am a Christian. I believe in J.C., I have accepted him as my main man. He always has been. But I feel that he shared the same views with others, such as Buddha, for example, except that he really put his ass on the chopping block.
But for fuck's sake, these people make me embarassed to even come out and admit that I am! Just the thought that I would even be associated with some of these ASSHOLES makes me ill.
I think somthing hit me hard a day or two ago...I was checking out some sites that are helping out with the relief in post-tsunami Asia, and several were Christian sites that talked about how these people were in need of emotional, physical, and SPIRITUAL assistance.
Now, I ask you: what is their motive?

I agree, if you are a 10 year old kid whose parents just got fucking washed out to sea, you have no home, no money, no family, no clothes except those you're wearing...you're gonna need a little spiritual assistance, that's for sure. But I was watching 60 Minutes last night and they were talking about this one little kid who was in that same situation...and one thing he did to keep from totally fucking just flipping out, was to do his Muslim prayers 5 times a day. That's helping him get through.

What if these well-meaining Christian groups go in, and try to help...and then start suggesting that he pray to J.C. instead? How the FUCK is that going to help this kid? He wants to pray to Allah. Are they going to nod sagely and then say, "Well, you do that, but afterwards, lets say the Lord's prayer."
THAT'S GOING TO FUCK HIM UP.

Granted, I think Christ can help, sure; but he'll help, God'll help anyway, the best way they can...By no one keeping this kid from his ritual, his savior, his God, that is the only strand of anything resembling normalacy in his life.

My church I went to in St. Louis was like this. It was a good, good place, and I love those people...they mean well. They've taken months out of their lives to go build houses in Bosnia or other devastated parts of the world...play with kids...tend to the sick...you name it. But almost always, they're spreading the word of Jesus. I think talking about God is one thing, for God means many things to many different religions, so if you say "God loves you and is here for you" they can nod and agree on some level and try to get through whatever they can. If you say "Jesus," then you're forcing something that, although you mean well, can really do more harm than good...depending on the time.
This is not the time to spread the word of Christ. They need to go in, feed the kids, tend to the sick, do everything that they want to do to help, God bless them, but keep their fucking mouths shut and let that kid say his Muslim prayers 5 times a day.

Anyway, that's that.

My Acting Life (or Lack Thereof)

I'm really unsure as to what is going on acting-wise in my life. Dad said he was retiring from acting class...and the company is falling apart. I mean, let's be real about this: sure, it's my company, but it's really HIS company. None of the people in the company would be there if it wasn't for Dad and his reputation in the business. Now he says that he is starting up classes again. However, I don't know if anyone is going to be in it except for me and ____, and maybe _____. I think everyone else already got themselves a new teacher, which I can't blame them; as an actor, you have to pick up the pieces and keep going, especially in your learning. I just don't know...
And I don't know what we're going to do about the company. Is anyone going to stay? Dad feels okay now, and is going to be a part of it, but what about when he isn't feeling that great? Am I up to trying to run/handle the entire company?

_____ wants to just let it die and then start his own; he has suggested that he will allow me to join his if this happens (although after my most recent phonecall, where I left a message telling him what a pussy he was for not speaking his mind to Mom and Dad about things that need to be done in the company, he may rethink his offer).

Do I want to act anymore? Yes.
That is what has been depressing me so much lately, that the company and class seem to have fallen to the wasteside, like a dead animal on the side of the road.

I'm also trying, in my own fucked up way, to work on writing, even if it means just writing blogs for now until they become something more fluid.

I'm just so confused. To top it all off, my birthday is just around the corner and I feel like such a loser.

My fiction pieces

I have another place on here that has some poetry and fiction...a few poems that were up here I uploaded to that spot. I want to keep this as more non-ficiton/diary stuff...
So if you give a rat's ass (as if anyone is reading this besides myself) that spot is HERE

xxoo

Christ, I need to get it together!

Not one to subscribe to New Years resolutions because I usually end up fucking up and dscarding the whole thing by...oh...say, this time every January, I decided not to make any. I did, however, tell myself that I would get a few things done by my birthday, which is February 1st.

One of these things is to get some writing in to lit mags, which I have been working on. Another is to get organized...Another is to finish two websites that I've been working on. Another is to lose the several pounds that found their way onto my person during the holidays, making me feel even worse about myself than I usually do.

The organized thing comes out of necessity more than anything; I can't find a goddamn thing in my place. I also can't have anyone over who doesn't already know me really well...I'm such a packrat that it's gotten out of control.

There is a new tv show on called Committed that I've started watching, it's about two really, really neurotic people who are trying to have a relationship - and its really hilarous. I almost fell off the treadmill the other night from laughing so hard, the episode spoke to me so much (because I'm totally neurotic and out of my fucking mind, so I can relate). One thing was that the chick wants to go over to the guy's pad and tells him this over the phone. Before he can stop her, she' hung up and on her way; and he looks around his apartment in horror, and we see why as the camera pulls out: his place is a clutter horror show. Stacks of records and books, in piles everywhere floor to ceiling. Notes tacked on the walls to remind him to do this and that.
My place isn't that bad, really, but I have a lot of things in a small space. I also inherited a bunch of furniture from my parents and two huge counters from the play we did.

So, I am throwing things out this weekend, taking stuff to the salvation army...and giving books to the library. That's going to be the hardest part. I love my books...

I guess I'm just coming to the realization that I really need to get my act together. I'm going to be 33 and I live like a college student. I have a fucking tie-dye tapestry in my window, none of my furniture matches, there's cat hair everywhere, I can't balance my checkbook...I could go on and on. I've been so depressed lately because of a myriad of things, but that's one of them.

Another? Because my pad is so fucked up and I act like an overgrown child, I am having a panic attack about inviting dates over here. If they were to come over, unless they really new me, like I stated above, they would assume that I'm some neurotic, eccentric freak. Well, I am, but that is not the issue...

Truth be told, I think growing up is overrated, but so is living like a 20-year-old Dead Head on tour indefinitely.