Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Control

I feel like I am losing it. Totally, completely, and utterly. I am totally losing control. I am having trouble maintaining my ability to talk to people who are friends who annoy me sometimes without telling them that they are such stupid, stupid fuckers. I'm having a difficult time pretending that I don't want to be intoxicated most of the time...even though I am usually relatively sober. I'm having lots of difficulty not telling most of them men in my life that are either friends, lovers, want-to-be lovers, or family that I really don't appreciate how I'm being treated, or how I'm not being treated, or that they don't have a fucking clue.

I'm an inch away from telling _____ to get fucked. He is more of a problem than a solution; an Iago of sorts, whispering the pearls of his harsh wisdom in my ear, his negativity, his spite; telling me what a failure I am in the same breath that he means well. He reminds me of all that is wrong, how fucked everything is, but offers no real solution, except the occasional "ya know?"

NO, YOU STUPID FUCKING PRICK. IF I KNEW, I WOULD TAKE CARE OF IT.

I'm sick of men. Period. I can't get what I want because it doesn't exist. It is a flight of fancy, a lie told to us through movies, tv and romance novels...I can't get what I want because my expectations and standards are too high. Hell, I can't even meet my own standards. It's all a miserable bunch of bullshit.

That's all.

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