Thursday, November 18, 2004

And It Just Seems to Get Worse...

Okay, maybe not too terrible; but I have been sick for a week. Today was the first day that I ventured out and went back to work. Yesterday I mostly slept, thinking that I was getting a relapse. Some other sucky things of note occured/continued this week:
  • I got into it with my (ex)husband. I don't know what to call him; we are not divorced, yet we are separated. Saying he's my husband implies that we are still together; calling him my ex at least shows some kind of independence on my part...for I have honestly not known what he was doing, who he was doing, or what has been going on in his mind...

    Anyway, he read my blogs on here and felt that I was portraying him in a very negative fact, his whole family read them while he was on vacation with them. I believe they all think I'm the anti-christ as I write this; it's a pity. I really love his family. I love him. I'm not trying to be a martyr or an asshole, I'm just laying it out like I feel...His family will never really see it like I do - they weren't there, and they just have his side, and they are his kin. I'm not. I'm "the chick that married into the family" so that's that. To try to explain my fears of never having a child at the age of 32 is so foreign to them - they all have kids and are doing their thing. I hope they can understand. They have always been kind to me and as I write this I cry knowing that they think I'm "the mean lady who kicked their son/brother out of the house." The dissolution of a marriage sucks, because you don't just lose the person you were married to - you lose their family as well. For some people it's a blessing; for me it's horrible, because I was one of those few percent who really dug her in-laws. We were very different, but I dug them.

    I actually got scolded rather harshly by him about another post that I put up, and I took that's actually somewhere else, where my eyes only will see it...for now. I like an online blog - some things are so huge on the heart and mind that a mere notebook does not do the trick, nor does saving it in Word on your computer...but I digress...All I know is that I was on the phone with him three times this week and I always got off the phone crying. I'm sick - I should have waited until I was well. So there's one sucky thing...

  • This dude that I went on a date with has turned out to be a complete dingleberry. Not in the funny "hey dude, you're a dingleberry" kind of way, but in the "this guy is kind of an asshole" kind of way. I mean - come on - if you take a chick out, have her over then next day, talk about seeing her again and discussing a possible sexual relationship, the very, very least you can do is call her sick ass while she is wasting away like fucking Gollum in her house for a week to see how she's doing. If you really give a shit, other than possibly hittin' it sometime down the road. I swear to God - not a phonecall, not even an instant message - and he's seen me online, I'm sure. I wrote him once or twice and we talked briefly online - but that's it. I got phonecalls and email/im well wishes from people I hardly fucking know, wondering how I was doing. People who I certainly haven't kissed. Even Robert calls me like 3 times a day - but he's bored out of his fucking mind at his job and is looking for a diversion. I mean, hell, I'm going to steal this from the book I'm reading, He's Just Not That Into You,: In today's cell phone technology era, there is NO excuse to not call a chick, unless you really don't give a rat's ass about her. I mean, I accidently call people on my phone just feeling for it in my purse - a call isn't that hard. He might be really that important and that fucking busy, but if he likes me - he's gonna call. Especially to see how I'm doing when I'm coughing up my lung. I mean, I sounded like Harvey fucking Fierstein for the past week. I couldn't breathe half the time. I was scared! I went to two doctors - and I'm one to be like "fuck doctors." I know I'm ranting, but I'm pissed. He's this rich dude, first of all, who seems to find everything very "amusing" - including me. *sigh* I think I need to pull my standards up by their bootstraps; they seem to have gotten caught on my shoe.

    I swear this book is so awesome. Very simple: if he's not calling, it means he's really not that into you. Ah! The genius of it! *sigh* I find examples for dating, of course, but I think what made me kind of sad was that the chapters really also related to my marriage. I am going to show it to T. and see what he thinks. He'll probably pout and tell me to bugger, but anyway...

  • I asked out an old friend who I thought at one point may have kind of dug me. Duuuude. I was so wrong. Not only was he like "Wow, look at the time! Gotta run!" he also has promptly gotten off of AIM everytime I'm on there since. He'll get on, look around, and it's almost as if I can feel him thinking: Oh, shit, she's on, she may want to talk. Flee! And he's offline again. He used to be a pal, and I guess I fucked it up hitting on him...Which really bites, but whatever - his loss. If he can't tell me "Hey, D, I love ya like a sis, but that's it," and prefers to just leave - well, he can bite my ass, I guess.

    I mean, this is hard on the ego, kids. I was the player of all players way back before I met the man I married. I never got turned down, always got asked out - I wonder...things change as you get older. I feel actually better about myself, which is a real riot. I feel better, am digging my 30's...yet, the only dates I can get are guys who either are so into themselves that the have redefined the entire meaning of the word Narcissism, or guys who are so mentally disturbed that entire sections of the DSM IV have been devoted to their clinical study. Either way, both types so far are only looking for sex (which they cloaked in a nice date or kind conversation) only to suddenly turn around and be like "What? You're not naked already?" (A direct quote from someone - I wish I was kidding, but it's funny as it stands, so okay). I had someone actually say to me when I told them I was not going to spend the night with them on the first night because I wanted to get to know them better first: "What more do you need to know?"


    Oh, I don't know...A LOT? What's even more hilarious, is that both quotes are from the same guy. Oy. You know, I can get attracted to someone, but for chrissake, what is wrong with people? I honestly have never been into one night stands - I have to find someone's mind attractive, like them...Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the nerd. Hi. I'm Diánna, and I'm a nerd. Nice to meet you.

So anyway, I just got home, and the message thing is blinking. I just played it, and here is a list of who called:
1. Bryan
2. My sister, Danae
3. Kevin
4. My sister-in-law, S.

All require a lengthy phone conversation, and I am feeling the fever in me...I left work early due to the fact that I didn't feel well at all. Fact is, I'm scared to talk to all of them.
  • Bryan - because I don't know what to say. Every time I try talking to him lately, I have to do all the talking. He is bored and bummed at his situation in Kansas City, and I don't want to exacerbate it for him...
  • Danae - because she won't let me off the phone. She is my only sister, and I wouldn't trade her for anything - I love her dearly, would do anything I could for her. I wouldn't even trade her in for front row at Janes Addiction - I mean, hey, that's love. But I am so tired...
  • Kevin - He wants to explain what it was he really said. I heard that he told the head of the Playwright Unit of my theatre company that he was pissed that "Ernie put up this play and cast his daughter in it." -- Now, if this is true, Kevin can SO bite my ass. If he wants to put on a blonde wig and get up there like a Goddamn drag queen, if he thinks he could do a better job as Violet Royale, then he can have at it. However, he seems to insist that is not what he said...J. is not a liar. He's a little senile, a little spacey, a bit of a royal pain in the ass and couldn't really pick a good play if it bit him in the ass, but he doesn't lie about shit. So Kevin better have a good excuse as to what the hell happened...because when it comes to a Horse Called Honesty, I'll put my money on J. over Kevin in a heartbeat.
  • S. - I don't know if she's calling to complain about what I wrote about her brother, to find out if we're getting divorced or not, or to just talk...Either way, I'll probably cry and nose is so stopped up right now that I probably shouldn't. I would love to talk to her if her mother hadn't been so cold to me on the phone - which really hurt, I love that woman - I'm really afraid they're pissed at me. I am not mentally prepared to handle it. I really am sick...I should wait until tommorrow.

For the record, I didn't say anything evil about my (ex)Husband...I wasn't like "WOW WHAT AN ASSHOLE" or something like that - just...simply stated that someone else set a higher standard of how I should be treated by a guy. T.'s actions/what was said concerning other women combined with my insecurities, created a serious pain in my heart, that's all. It's all here...

Okay, I'm tired. My temp is 99.8. Bye.


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1:49 PM  

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