Thursday, December 02, 2004

Senses

I had somewhat of an epiphany tonight...I saw a film that I rented, Into the Realm of Senses a 1976 Japanese soft porn flick (you know you're in for a good time when it's foreign and rated NC-17) that was banned when it came out at the NY Film Festival...about an ex-prostitute who begins an obsessive love affair with the master of the house where she's employed as a servant...and they become entwined...
It's really a head trip. It shows you how far people can go sometimes: sexually, mentally, emotionally; and how sometime you can go over the edge.
So, I'm sitting here, getting really turned on watching this thing, and then it gets really out of hand as they become more experimental and agressive...

And I went from being turned on and searching for batteries to really upset as I realized where this was going.

I don't want to spoil endings, so I won't, but I began to understand that part of this film spoke to me...and where I'm at in my life right now; that I need to be aware that in my desire to regain my independence and enjoy whatever sexuality I have and enjoy feeling desired by others, I need to remember that I don't need to feel like I'm running a race, I don't need to try to win anyone's affection, and I don't need to do things that I'm not comfortable with just to say I did them.
It's okay if I wait to have sex with someone for a while, it doesn't make me a prude; if anything, it opens the door to more experimentation with that person because there is a level of trust. I don't need to reiterate that I'm not talking about a serious monogamous relationship, but one based on trust, desire, and respect.
A friend of mine who goes to orgies chided me on my confusion, because I'm a sexual creature with modern day appetites and old-fashioned customs.
I told him to bite my ass...though he's right.

This film made me realize that before I put myself in any given situation where I'm physically vulnerable, I had better really trust that person.
Not to hard to follow.

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