And It Just Seems to Get Worse...

Okay, maybe not too terrible; but I have been sick for a week. Today was the first day that I ventured out and went back to work. Yesterday I mostly slept, thinking that I was getting a relapse. Some other sucky things of note occured/continued this week:

• I got into it with my (ex)husband. I don't know what to call him; we are not divorced, yet we are separated. Saying he's my husband implies that we are still together; calling him my ex at least shows some kind of independence on my part...for I have honestly not known what he was doing, who he was doing, or what has been going on in his mind...
  
  Anyway, he read my blogs on here and felt that I was portraying him in a very negative light...in fact, his whole family read them while he was on vacation with them. I believe they all think I'm the anti-christ as I write this; it's a pity. I really love his family. I love him. I'm not trying to be a martyr or an asshole, I'm just laying it out like I feel...His family will never really see it like I do - they weren't there, and they just have his side, and they are his kin. I'm not. I'm "the chick that married into the family" so that's that. To try to explain my fears of never having a child at the age of 32 is so foreign to them - they all have kids and are doing their thing. I hope they can understand. They have always been kind to me and as I write this I cry knowing that they think I'm "the mean lady who kicked their son/brother out of the house." The dissolution of a marriage sucks, because you don't just lose the person you were married to - you lose their family as well. For some people it's a blessing; for me it's horrible, because I was one of those few percent who really dug her in-laws. We were very different, but I dug them.
  
  I actually got scolded rather harshly by him about another post that I put up, and I took that down...it's actually somewhere else, where my eyes only will see it...for now. I like an online blog - some things are so huge on the heart and mind that a mere notebook does not do the trick, nor does saving it in Word on your computer...but I digress...All I know is that I was on the phone with him three times this week and I always got off the phone crying. I'm sick - I should have waited until I was well. So there's one sucky thing...
  
  
• This dude that I went on a date with has turned out to be a complete dingleberry. Not in the funny "hey dude, you're a dingleberry" kind of way, but in the "this guy is kind of an asshole" kind of way. I mean - come on - if you take a chick out, have her over then next day, talk about seeing her again and discussing a possible sexual relationship, the very, very least you can do is call her sick ass while she is wasting away like fucking Gollum in her house for a week to see how she's doing. If you really give a shit, other than possibly hittin' it sometime down the road. I swear to God - not a phonecall, not even an instant message - and he's seen me online, I'm sure. I wrote him once or twice and we talked briefly online - but that's it. I got phonecalls and email/im well wishes from people I hardly fucking know, wondering how I was doing. People who I certainly haven't kissed. Even Robert calls me like 3 times a day - but he's bored out of his fucking mind at his job and is looking for a diversion. I mean, hell, I'm going to steal this from the book I'm reading, He's Just Not That Into You,: In today's cell phone technology era, there is NO excuse to not call a chick, unless you really don't give a rat's ass about her. I mean, I accidently call people on my phone just feeling for it in my purse - a call isn't that hard. He might be really that important and that fucking busy, but if he likes me - he's gonna call. Especially to see how I'm doing when I'm coughing up my lung. I mean, I sounded like Harvey fucking Fierstein for the past week. I couldn't breathe half the time. I was scared! I went to two doctors - and I'm one to be like "fuck doctors." I know I'm ranting, but I'm pissed. He's this rich dude, first of all, who seems to find everything very "amusing" - including me. *sigh* I think I need to pull my standards up by their bootstraps; they seem to have gotten caught on my shoe.
  
  I swear this book is so awesome. Very simple: if he's not calling, it means he's really not that into you. Ah! The genius of it! *sigh* I find examples for dating, of course, but I think what made me kind of sad was that the chapters really also related to my marriage. I am going to show it to T. and see what he thinks. He'll probably pout and tell me to bugger, but anyway...
  
  
• I asked out an old friend who I thought at one point may have kind of dug me. Duuuude. I was so wrong. Not only was he like "Wow, look at the time! Gotta run!" he also has promptly gotten off of AIM everytime I'm on there since. He'll get on, look around, and it's almost as if I can feel him thinking: Oh, shit, she's on, she may want to talk. Flee! And he's offline again. He used to be a pal, and I guess I fucked it up hitting on him...Which really bites, but whatever - his loss. If he can't tell me "Hey, D, I love ya like a sis, but that's it," and prefers to just leave - well, he can bite my ass, I guess.
  
  I mean, this is hard on the ego, kids. I was the player of all players way back before I met the man I married. I never got turned down, always got asked out - I wonder...things change as you get older. I feel actually better about myself, which is a real riot. I feel better, am digging my 30's...yet, the only dates I can get are guys who either are so into themselves that the have redefined the entire meaning of the word Narcissism, or guys who are so mentally disturbed that entire sections of the DSM IV have been devoted to their clinical study. Either way, both types so far are only looking for sex (which they cloaked in a nice date or kind conversation) only to suddenly turn around and be like "What? You're not naked already?" (A direct quote from someone - I wish I was kidding, but it's funny as it stands, so okay). I had someone actually say to me when I told them I was not going to spend the night with them on the first night because I wanted to get to know them better first: "What more do you need to know?"
  
  *sigh*
  
  Oh, I don't know...A LOT? What's even more hilarious, is that both quotes are from the same guy. Oy. You know, I can get attracted to someone, but for chrissake, what is wrong with people? I honestly have never been into one night stands - I have to find someone's mind attractive, like them...Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the nerd. Hi. I'm Diánna, and I'm a nerd. Nice to meet you.

So anyway, I just got home, and the message thing is blinking. I just played it, and here is a list of who called:
1. Bryan
2. My sister, Danae
3. Kevin
4. My sister-in-law, S.

All require a lengthy phone conversation, and I am feeling the fever in me...I left work early due to the fact that I didn't feel well at all. Fact is, I'm scared to talk to all of them.

• Bryan - because I don't know what to say. Every time I try talking to him lately, I have to do all the talking. He is bored and bummed at his situation in Kansas City, and I don't want to exacerbate it for him...
  
• Danae - because she won't let me off the phone. She is my only sister, and I wouldn't trade her for anything - I love her dearly, would do anything I could for her. I wouldn't even trade her in for front row at Janes Addiction - I mean, hey, that's love. But I am so tired...
  
• Kevin - He wants to explain what it was he really said. I heard that he told the head of the Playwright Unit of my theatre company that he was pissed that "Ernie put up this play and cast his daughter in it." -- Now, if this is true, Kevin can SO bite my ass. If he wants to put on a blonde wig and get up there like a Goddamn drag queen, if he thinks he could do a better job as Violet Royale, then he can have at it. However, he seems to insist that is not what he said...J. is not a liar. He's a little senile, a little spacey, a bit of a royal pain in the ass and couldn't really pick a good play if it bit him in the ass, but he doesn't lie about shit. So Kevin better have a good excuse as to what the hell happened...because when it comes to a Horse Called Honesty, I'll put my money on J. over Kevin in a heartbeat.
  
• S. - I don't know if she's calling to complain about what I wrote about her brother, to find out if we're getting divorced or not, or to just talk...Either way, I'll probably cry and nose is so stopped up right now that I probably shouldn't. I would love to talk to her if her mother hadn't been so cold to me on the phone - which really hurt, I love that woman - I'm really afraid they're pissed at me. I am not mentally prepared to handle it. I really am sick...I should wait until tommorrow.

For the record, I didn't say anything evil about my (ex)Husband...I wasn't like "WOW WHAT AN ASSHOLE" or something like that - just...simply stated that someone else set a higher standard of how I should be treated by a guy. T.'s actions/what was said concerning other women combined with my insecurities, created a serious pain in my heart, that's all. It's all here...

Okay, I'm tired. My temp is 99.8. Bye.

Extra, Extra, read all about nothing

What is the deal with men? I mean, really. In fact, what is the deal with women, too? I think being bisexual has simply complicated matters even more. One friend was like "well, at least you'll alway have a date."

WRONG!

Sure, I can get a date, but after date one or two, the person is like, "uh, can we just be friends? anyone on the planet seems better than you."

Okay, maybe I'm being a bit melodramatic, but I'm tired of making excuses for dumbasses. I am worth a bit more than that. A meal and wine doesn't necessarily mean that I'm gonna fuck you. No matter how much your kisses make me sigh. It means I'll probably end up fucking you, especially if you ask to see me again on another date, but not on the second date. I'm too old for that shit. And anyone who says "well, your single again, just relax and go wild - you deserve it" is right and wrong at the same time.

I want a little romance. I want someone to woo me. I want them to go out on a limb to get me to be with them. Then, I want them to bang the shit outta me.
Is that so much to ask?

Fuck these rich men who find me amusing. Fuck these stupid girls who write rude letters accusing me of hitting on their women (and shame on their women who confuse my attempt at friendship as a leering gesture). Fuck ex-husbands who lied for five fucking years and said they would give you a child and leave you barren at age 32 without the possibility of bringing a child into this world without shopping at the local spermbank.

Fuck them all.

Every have a really shitty day? I am. Really.

Let me be frank. No, I'm Diánna, but let me be frank anyway...
Today sucked. It didn't just suck in the way you say, "Wow, man, today sure did suck - pass the chips."
No, today sucked as in "Uh...can I just go drag my pathetic crybaby ass under a carpet or rock and chill for a week?"

I am sick as a dog. I don't know what came over me, but I've not been in good health since the show ended, and it manifested itself this week. I just coughed up something that grew arms and legs, lit a cigarette, and walked off with my wallet. I have a fever of 101.
And when I get sick, I get weepy. As in crying along with sappy commercials kind of weepy.
So I'm sitting here, crying, thinking about the election (can we say "beat a fucking dead horse?"), thinking about the fact that I'm scared shitless to go on auditions even though I went on another one and it freaked me out, thinking about the fact that I'm 32 going on 16 going on 80 and really not sure what the FUCK I'm doing with my life, thinking about the fact that I inadvertantly insulted and offended one of my friends due to the fact that I just say things and assume that everyone KNOWS I'm being silly Diánna and not a fucking letch retardo, thinking that there is something to that new book He's Just Not That Into You, thanking that the only good thing about being so fucking sick is that I've lost about five pounds from not eating anything but gatorade, almonds, and luna bars, and suddenly it occured to me:

That I'm really being a sappy dumbass. So, I rant, therefore you are, and now I can go back to bed. I've gone to bed, gotten back up, gone to bed, gotten back up...my eldest cat, Spud, has humored me all night and followed me from living room to bedroom to living room to bathroom (he is so cute, he chills while I take a shower and Nina pokes her nose in the curtain)...

Yet through all this murky horseshit ( I love that word) I feel like the dawning of a new age for me is around the corner. I don't just mean in my sex life, although that has been taking an interesting turn every since my ex packed his shit...I mean in general, in my creative interests.
Hey! I said something positive. Maybe the day ended just slightly sucking less than droping the contents of a bag of expensive grass in Sheeps Meadow (I did that once - uh, who was the asshole? LOL)

Are you bored yet? I am. Goodnight.

Feast or Famine, Baby

Now that the play is over, I find myself in a quandry: although I am thrilled to have more time to do some things that I needed to do for a while, I am also climbing the fucking walls. The apartment seems a little bigger now, a little more lonely, because I'm spending more time here, I guess.
I don't miss my ex, I just miss having someone to talk to - or even more important, since I do like chilling with just the critters - I miss having someone around to check in:
Are you okay? I know you have the flu, do you need something? Can I help you out and walk the dog since you're too sick to get out of bed?

Shit like that. I know I get like a little kid when I'm sick, it's just that as my parents get older, I wonder: who the hell's gonna be around to notice if fall off the face of the earth?

I know, I'm being melodramatic - I haven't had my coffee.

Anyway, so I also must admit; I miss the warmth of someone in my bed - and I really don't mean a wham bam thanks maam thing; those are depressing at my age. I am also not eager to run into another serious relationship - I will approach that kind of thing with MUCH hesitation and deliberation. No more puppy love causing sudden, mass disturbance in the Force. Not for this young Jedi Knight.
However, a nice person to boogie with in and out of the sheets who treats me like the fine lady I am...who will take me on a real date and want to hang and talk...who'll cook either with me or for me and like my critters...now that is a groovy idea. I think Bryan raised the bar for a new standard that I have set for myself. I know my Ex didn't help any.

I have written poems about some men in my life that I either have had the pleasure of knowing this way or I haven't and wanted to - either way, they aren't there now, and I'm kinda bummed.

Oh, I wasn't supposed to admit that and just act cool, like I don't care? Sorry.

My friend (who I have lost touch with because I can't track the whore down) who will always remain dear to my heart is Larry C. Sullivan, also known as Laretta Kincaid. This old queen and I used to go out all the time, and she always kept my spirits up when it came to guys...Laretta knew that my Ex was wrong for me. Girlfriend called that shit from a mile away.
Anyway, Laretta always said:
"Feast or famine, girl, that's what it is. Either you can't get laid to save your life or you can't beat 'em off with a stick."

And it's true. I just hope that the tide turns before I hit fucking 90.

Okay, I changed my mind about voting...I'm allowed.

I thought it over - and, truth be told, because I was yelled at by a handful of people - so I'm going to the polls later on today. I'm not voting for a candidate for the presidency, but I'll pull a few levers for other things...

*sigh* It's just so depressing....

To vote or not to vote, that is a question...

whether tis' nobler to vote for some schmuck just so I can get the other schmuck out of office;
or to pick my tits up by my bootstraps and pass on the lever;
whether I should for the sake of mankind put one putz into office
or oriffice, whichever,
to remove another, remains to be seen.
I cannot.

Although I think that we need to get Dubya Doo Wrong 'Cause He Can't Spell Right outta office, I can't justify voting for that lying sorry sack of shit Kerry Oh Very, either. They both suck. And that's what sucks about this whole thing: the fact that those are our two contestants in this fucking game/horror show/circus act.
Green Party? I'd vote for them, only if the green they were talking about was something I could smoke. Nader would do more good as an MC at a drag show than a fucking presidential candidate. His idea of Utopia has nothing to do with reality, sadly. Nice guy, would like to vote for him...but I don't even have the heart to do that.
If they put Homer Simpson (who, by the way, was voted in Britain as the best candidate for our country, those naughty Brits...hehe) or Alfred E. Newman on the ballot, I'll get my fat ass out of the chair for that.
If only.