RIP Paul Newman

The only time I ever met Paul Newman was very brief, although I had seen him walking around a million times. It was in the OLD building of the Actors Studio NYC (the real one, back when it was a real place to be revered, and not the joke that it kind of is now) over on...I believe it was 45th street. There was a time I spent a lot of time there as a kid. My mom was in several shows there, and once in a show put together by the folks who did Best Little Whorehouse; my dad directed several plays, and then dad directed Mom and a bunch of other people (including Thomas G. Waites, Francis Fisher, in Tennessee Williams' Orpheus Descending. And it was during this time, that I was hanging out there a lot again...a 15-year-old, bored out of my mind because I wasn't always allowed to watch rehearsal (I think some of the actors complained) and other times I would sneak into an area where they couldn't see me and watch anyway.

Mr. Paul Newman was the Artistic Director, I believe, at that time; and I would see him walking around here and there and think to myself, "Wow, Paul Newman!" even though by that point I'd met so many actors...He came up to me one time and was like "who are you?" and when I explained, he just said, "oh, okay" and took off. He seemed to be an intense man who was concerned about the Actors Studio, and he should have been. Most certainly he should have been. I wonder what was going through his mind over the last 20 years since it went from being a beacon of honor among actors, where so many of our greatest actors used to participate and it was an honor to be a member (hundreds would audition every year and only a handful, literally, IF THAT, would get in) because it meant something; to the way it is now, where one doesn't necessarily have to have any kind of acting gift, they can just either sleep with the right person, drop a name, or take a series of classes and at graduation - even if you suck - you can become a member, thanks to their collaboration with both the New School and now Pace. I wonder what Mr. Newman was thinking...watching all these young faces disembark into what had once been a place with dignity and honor among the acting community.

I didn't know him, just met him, but I had respect for him. And hell, I sure do love that Peach Salsa. The following was sent to me by my friend Nathan who used to be the original drummer for the Flaming Lips and has an awesome wife, my dear friend Jamie, and two lovely kids.



Paul Newman was a wonderful, brilliant actor and he will always be remembered by those of us who are well aware that we have just lost another great one - as three "celebrities" spring up every day...and it's a shame because there are fewer and fewer actors out there who really know what's going on in The Work.

I'm Seeing Willie Nelson Tonight!!!

And I'm eternally stoked. He's playing at Radio City Music Hall, and Jakob Dylan is opening up for him. When I first started playing guitar at age 9 (long story for another post) the book of tunes my folks got me was "Kris Kristofferson's Sunlight and Shadows. The also included a record for my turntable of "Willie Nelson Sings Kris Kristofferson."

Needless to say, Willie's (and Kris') music has been an important part of my life growing up...and you gotta hand it to a guy touring in his mid-70's with a beat-up guitar, who promotes marijuana use and just seems to be about the kindest cat you'd ever want to meet.

With all the crap: my cat dying, my relationship ending, and my feeling really like the the earth is about to swallow me whole, I can't think of anything better to do than pay way too much for a bottle of Bud and sit and listen to Willie. Jakob is a cutie and that should be fun, too.

I'm going by myself, which shouldn't be a surprise to those who really know me...

I shall start doing the Voodoo Jive Song of the Day again very soon - and Willie will be the first one. I made this as much of a music/mp3 blog as it is a NYC blog...as it is just a blog about my life. I have let it go, but I think I have to grab my strength back through writing and sharing what I love: music, goings on in NYC, and just the general bullshit that I find myself going through every day. I gotta say: my life is interesting, to say the least.

I can't WAIT to see Willie.

:)

RIP Nina Mouse

Nina passed away Saturday, 9/20, around 12:30 or so. I had to take her in to put her to sleep because the malignant tumor that was in her ear had made its way into her brain and was causing seizures and she was unable to walk or lift herself up. As we waited for the doctor's appointment at my apartment, we sat in the window propped on pillows so she could see outside, with a "Mozart for Cats" cd that I got that she seemed to like...and I brought out two ice cream sandwiches which she licked and gobbled. I kissed her and told her how much I loved her.

At the doctor's office, wouldn't you know it, she was able to walk (oh, the healing power of ice cream!) but the doctor told me that these episodes would happen again and more frequently. He assured me that what I was doing was for the best...and the look in her eyes when she couldn't move and was having a seizure was of terror and was so pitiful. I did NOT want her to go like that while I was away from home at work or whatever.

Even at the very end, she made a few little huffs and snarls of annoyance as we layed her down and the needle went in. I looked into her beautiful eyes and told her I loved her again and that she would be seeing God soon...and then they added the drug that put her to sleep.

I miss her so much...and I am a better person for having had the 9 years I did have with her, when she showed up on my doorstep in the rain one night in St. Louis. I thank God for giving me the time I had with her.

If you have a pet, please give it a hug. I have three other pets that need my love, and I have to be here for them...so I need to be strong. Hard, though. Really hard.

A Moving Episode About Alzheimer’s and a Trip Down Memory Lane Thanks to Stargate Atlantis

Photo by Mark Perez

Back when I was about 10, my Grandfather died. He had been in a nursing home for a while, and I remember running up and down the halls, not wanting to stay in that sterile room, its cold and bland-colored tiles smelling like disinfectant and the urine that the disinfectant was supposed to have cleaned up. I think one reason why I didn’t want to stay in the room was because he didn’t know who I was.

Looking back now, we know that he was suffering from Alzheimer’s and the dementia had started much earlier. I remember when they moved him from his apartment in Dallas, TX, into a limited care home, where he was able to bring a lot of his furniture and it was almost like a new apartment except that it was smaller, and there were nurses who would check on him if he needed them, and there were common eating areas, etc… It was kind of like somewhere between a bachelor pad and a nursing home.

Then, somewhere along the way, in what must have been a relatively short amount of time, I think my mother was informed that he needed more help than they could offer; and that when we went over there I remember Mom saying things like “Dad, you already asked me that,” or “you know who that is, that’s Ernie, my husband.”

Funny, the things you think about just from watching an episode of something on TV. I just happened to download an episode of Stargate Atlantis (one of my favorite shows) because I don’t have cable right now, and in their current season, about two or three episodes back someone suffers from a similar illness. It was heart-wrenching; not your average sci-fi show. It brought me back to Paw Paw and that final place he was brought to: a nursing home where the patients either screamed obscenities or drooled or sat quietly. There was one man who couldn’t have been more than 40; he was handsome but his hair was very grey. He has suffered some kind of condition that left him practically in a vegetative state. There was also a woman whose room I would creep into and try to talk to; she would suddenly start yelling at me, calling me all kinds of names. That only made me go back and sneak in her room again. I delighted in bothering her. I think I did so because I knew that I just didn’t want to be in that room with Paw Paw and Mom and Dad and Esther…as they watched over him.

I was never close with my Grandfather, from what I remember. Not that the man wasn’t kind or loving; I see pictures of me as a baby and little girl sitting on his lap. I remember his apartment, how I loved to go there; it was a place of secret hiding places and cornbread. I called my Grandfather Paw Paw. Paw Paw had a marvelous bedroom; I think what I remember most was his grooming area. He always kept himself looking great (the man was married twice and apparently a ladies man). What I remember the most from his apartment are the makeup kit and brush that he used to brush his moustache with dark dye, his lava lap (which I inherited at my request), and these two glass roosters that sat on top of his TV. I always thought the roosters were going to bite me, even after I got older and knew that they were just glass. I also remember almost drowning in his pool (actually, I was only underwater for a few seconds, but it was enough to make me never take up swimming until I was 13).

His was the first death human death that I experienced in the family – or at all, actually. The only one besides that was the death of Cuchi Frita, our Yorkshire Terrier, who I adored and who was taken from Mom and Dad way too soon.

I wish I had spent more time with him, but I don’t think Mom and Dad wanted me to see him too much…he was a very intelligent man who, I imagine, was outraged that he was unable towards the end to remember things that he once knew…who, in the end, didn’t even know Esther, my grandmother, or my Mom, his daughter.

I have been so sad over the past month, with my breakup and what’s going on with Nina. But I think that losing one’s mind – or watching a loved one go like that - might be the saddest thing that anyone has to go through – a schoolmate has a mother who developed Alzheimer’s in her early 50’s, and I remember when Erica told me I couldn’t come stay at her house anymore because it had just gotten too difficult and they were eventually going to put her in a home. And that was when we were in high school.

Life’s hardships always never cease to amaze you – in the ways that something that seems so difficult and impossible to deal with is something that seems so unimportant when placed next to something else.

Interesting.

My Cat Nina Has Cancer...And I'm Devastated

Thank you to all who wrote in to me about my being happy that she got through her tooth surgery, etc...and we were waiting to hear back about her ear infection/eye infection...and why it wasn't going away.

Turns out it is cancer.

I am getting xrays to see if it has spread, for it is the kind that does...but I think the battle may be coming to a close for my little girl. Diabetics don't fight infections very easily...and this illness she has is apparently very tricky.

Please pray. If you don't pray, then send good thoughts.
If anything, please send her warmth and no pain...and I just hope at this point to have another month or so with her...or as long as I can until she is in pain and there is nothing I can do. For if it's spread to her lungs and lymph nodes, which the doctors say may be the case...then I have to let my little girl go.

I got two extra years with her, and I am so grateful! So grateful! But I'm so damned angry - there is no reason at all...why creatures who give us so much love, who already have a life span that is so much less than ours (depending on who we are, I guess) have to get diseases like this.

So please send your love and warmth to a little girlie kittie who every night puts her paws on her Mommie's forehead and makes biscuits...and who scratches on the bathroom door until I let her in...who hisses at the cats but will rub noses with Chico, my dog...and who is my little baby girl.

Thank you for listening to me ramble, but I can't do much else right now except just cry, and that's bothering the pets, lol, for they're like, "Mom, wtf, you need to chill, yo..."

Certainly puts things into perspective...like my recent breakup, life questions, all kinds of things. All I know is that one of my "kids" is ill...and I don't know if I'll be able to bring her back from the brink this time. And I'm furious that I can't.

Billychic