Well, This Explains Everything!

You Are From the Moon

You can vibe with the steady rhythms of the Moon. You're in touch with your emotions and intuition. You possess a great, unmatched imagination - and an infinite memory. Ultra-sensitive, you feel at home anywhere (or with anyone). A total healer, you light the way in the dark for many.

What Planet Are You From?

Seductress? Methinks...Yes!

At this point in my life, this is kinda true! Hooray!
Then again...it always was...hee.


You are the seductress pin-up! You are
self-explanatory. You slut!


What Type Of Retro Gal Are You?
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Thoughts from Oscar

Why did you make us thus?
Why does this body crave
pleasure to such a painful limit?
We seduce ourselves by what
you made us desire.

— Oscar Wilde

My Diary - Exposed

Yeah, this is a diary, but of course I censor it a wee bit, especially since I leave it open for folks to read - hell, I invite folks to read it. This blog and the myspace one - although that one is even more over the top - for about 30 folks read it regularly, so I write for their amusement as much as mine. This one, only a handful read, so I just say whatever the fuck...whether or not it's interesting to anyone but me is really open season.

However...my written diary...with my poems, story ideas, thoughts and feelings that never make it to my online blog because they are so fucking personal -- I left the motherfucker at the show last night and didn't even realize it until today. Goddammit. Thank Christ Annie picked it up and called me to tell me that she had it. I just pray to God that she didn't flip through it and read what's in there - I feel like whathisname in Biloxi Blues when the guys in the army base all read his diary - and get pissed off at what they read because he wrote about them. Not that I wrote about Annie, but I know I've written about people Annie knows...

Especially with some stuff that's been going on lately in my life, even if she doesn't know a damn person in that book, it sure would be embarassing. Oh well. It could be worse; _______ could have picked it up and seen what I wrote about him. Holy shit...LMFAO. Makes me really question whether or not it's a good idea to write at all about someone you're sleeping with - especially when it's a delicate issue - and when you start off writing nasty things about him to convince yourself that you don't like him very much, only to realize later that you do - and just haven't gotten around to writing that part down yet.

*gulp*

Today, Tim, Mimi Baker

(From my MySpace Blog): I woke up today from a weird dream about my ex-husband...it was weird in the sense that I feel like I'm starting to really realize that we're not even going to be friends anymore. He doesn't even want to see me to give me the monthly web payment for his site...he wants to mail it to me. Jesus...I don't understand. Yet, I do...it's just sad, though. I had this dream that we were hanging out and then he said he was going to leave and I said "Go ahead - it's all right." But it seemed to mean so much more than just leaving - it was like going away forever. I went to his page on MySpace and listened to his song - one that I'd heard him sing so much and always said was my favorite. Now I'm wondering if it was my favorite because even back then I knew that our marriage wasn't going to last forever and that this song would eventually be about us...you should check out his page and hear it if you already haven't.

I think maybe I'm still mourning his loss in some way...I'd like to think that I can just move on quickly like he has, but I think I was fooling myself; I really loved him more than I had loved anyone in my life up to that point, and had thought (hoped) our marriage would last forever. Then again, I've always been a little jaded - I've wanted love more than anything, but then wondered if it was really real when I had it - or thought I did. I think our love was real...but with an expiration date. Unfortunately, like the milk I buy at the shithole around the corner, oftentimes you can't see the expiration date because it's smudged from being handled too much. I have to start getting things in order.

I think part of my problem is that I was so eager to tell myself that I was over Tim, that I was okay - when I really wasn't. Yes, I asked him to leave, I was the one who wanted to end things, and yes, I feel I made the right decision; however, I think I'm still mourning the loss of a marriage. So, although I would like to meet someone special, I don't know if it would be the right thing right now...so...maybe what I'm doing is actually okay? My seeing a couple of men and knowing that nothing beyond loving friendship will ever come of it? Maybe I'm not fucking up quite as much as I thought...

In other news, we did the reading of Mimi Baker, and I just got home. It went pretty well...Denise already sent me pics from it, she's awesome like that. I forwarded them onto three of the billydudes in class/group...
I have a really bad headache. I'm surprised I was able to even perform tonight - it was surreal for me all day. It went okay, though; we had a fucked up sound cue that sent me into "deer in headlights" mode; thank God Kris was able to carry me out of it. Fuck. We went into a five minute improv that was so obviously from left field, that I'm surprised the audience didn't offer to get on stage and help us...lol

We performed in this old community center, with a high-rise stage. The dressing rooms were downstairs, with NO heat, and we were freezing - if I had any hope that my cold had gotten better and that I was on the road to recovery, those hopes were shattered by the end of the night. But, after spinning beer Mississippi-style on ice to get it cold (the beer was warm; they should have left it in the dressing room to keep it cold) and downing a few of those suckers, the author felt no pain.

Ouch.

Okay. Uncle. UNCLE, I SAID!!!!

I swear I haven't been this stressed in a long time...it just simply reminds me what a lazy fartknocker I've been, I suppose...although I didn't THINK I was being lazy.
Tomorrow the show goes up - just three scenes, but I get so nervous performing in front of people. I cried before I had to do my monologue in class...Christ.

This whole week has been insane. Totally, completely, insane. Some bits of it were AWESOME insanity...
*The author pauses with a big grin on her face*
And other parts of it were just sheer horror-show insanity. Like work. WTF? How did it get so busy?
Annie's play is so stressful for me, I don't know why...I think it's because I'm so close to both the playwright and the director, that I don't want to fuck it up - but hey, as long as _____ forgets his lines too, then I'm set. LOL...that sounds terrible, but I'm being honest.

If I can just pound hours out for the p/t gig on Sunday, I should be okay. Tonight I'll only get about 6 in, and I'm still short about two. Fucking holidays...oh well.

Last night I had a fabulous conversation with Clint, my old buddy from Mississippi - well, he lives in Florida, but I went to school with him and dated him in 'Sippi. It was so wonderful to talk to him...he's one of the most amazing guys I know.

I also had a few moments of sadness this week - the owner of Maria's Coffeeshop, Nick, passed away last night. I just found this out this morning. The guy has been very kind to me, in a paternal way, giving me advice about men. He would say to me, "Hon, you remind me of my younger daughter. She is divorced and trying to meet men, and it's hard for her, too. You can't settle...pick a good one."

I wonder what he'd say about the foolishness I've gotten myself into this time? I don't want to know...lol

Well, Nick, Rest in Peace, sweetheart. You leave behind a whole bunch of customers, as well as family and friends, who miss you.

In other news, my scene partner and pal M. and I finished our scene and it went pretty well...that is the hardest part I've had to play...besides Jane in Veaux Carre - another fucking Williams play. Well, Williams is my favorite, for a reason - the characters are complex; each one a symphony in their own right. M. has had to leave class for a while...I hope he comes back. He's good people...and we seemed to connect well as friends. I hope his old lady is cool with that. There are so many asswipes in the world, it's nice to meet someone nice - and someone from the South, Mississippi, no less! The shit all comes full circle.

Now Robert and I will start our attempt at Fool for Love - which is more about us than anyone really knows...and Jack and I will begin Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Two men that I love so much...

And J. keeps calling and text messaging me...it's really cute. I just wish he'd get his ass into the city...I miss him. I really have to take a look at what I'm doing here...I'm sort of involved with three different men right now and they are all involved with other people. I think that says something about how fearful I am of committment? Who knows...I was a Psych minor, not major...

Okay, time to make the doughnuts.