Sunday, December 04, 2005

Today, Tim, Mimi Baker

(From my MySpace Blog): I woke up today from a weird dream about my ex-husband...it was weird in the sense that I feel like I'm starting to really realize that we're not even going to be friends anymore. He doesn't even want to see me to give me the monthly web payment for his site...he wants to mail it to me. Jesus...I don't understand. Yet, I do...it's just sad, though. I had this dream that we were hanging out and then he said he was going to leave and I said "Go ahead - it's all right." But it seemed to mean so much more than just leaving - it was like going away forever. I went to his page on MySpace and listened to his song - one that I'd heard him sing so much and always said was my favorite. Now I'm wondering if it was my favorite because even back then I knew that our marriage wasn't going to last forever and that this song would eventually be about us...you should check out his page and hear it if you already haven't.

I think maybe I'm still mourning his loss in some way...I'd like to think that I can just move on quickly like he has, but I think I was fooling myself; I really loved him more than I had loved anyone in my life up to that point, and had thought (hoped) our marriage would last forever. Then again, I've always been a little jaded - I've wanted love more than anything, but then wondered if it was really real when I had it - or thought I did. I think our love was real...but with an expiration date. Unfortunately, like the milk I buy at the shithole around the corner, oftentimes you can't see the expiration date because it's smudged from being handled too much. I have to start getting things in order.

I think part of my problem is that I was so eager to tell myself that I was over Tim, that I was okay - when I really wasn't. Yes, I asked him to leave, I was the one who wanted to end things, and yes, I feel I made the right decision; however, I think I'm still mourning the loss of a marriage. So, although I would like to meet someone special, I don't know if it would be the right thing right now...so...maybe what I'm doing is actually okay? My seeing a couple of men and knowing that nothing beyond loving friendship will ever come of it? Maybe I'm not fucking up quite as much as I thought...

In other news, we did the reading of Mimi Baker, and I just got home. It went pretty well...Denise already sent me pics from it, she's awesome like that. I forwarded them onto three of the billydudes in class/group...
I have a really bad headache. I'm surprised I was able to even perform tonight - it was surreal for me all day. It went okay, though; we had a fucked up sound cue that sent me into "deer in headlights" mode; thank God Kris was able to carry me out of it. Fuck. We went into a five minute improv that was so obviously from left field, that I'm surprised the audience didn't offer to get on stage and help us...lol

We performed in this old community center, with a high-rise stage. The dressing rooms were downstairs, with NO heat, and we were freezing - if I had any hope that my cold had gotten better and that I was on the road to recovery, those hopes were shattered by the end of the night. But, after spinning beer Mississippi-style on ice to get it cold (the beer was warm; they should have left it in the dressing room to keep it cold) and downing a few of those suckers, the author felt no pain.

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