Long Weekends Are Longer When You're Sad

I am surrounded by things that are either his, or things we did together, or things that remind me of him.

And I reach out to people that I met through him during the last year, and I hope that they have not decided to stop talking to me. He wants me to be an integral part of the theatre company now. He says that we are still friends, and there is no reason why the others can't be.

One of them, one of my favorites, who I would gladly consider a dear friend even though I never see him; whose company I enjoyed so much for he reminded me of my friends back in Mississippi mixed with the urban intelligence (we've lived in similar parts of the country) of the big cities of being bi-coastal, and whose take on acting I respect very, very much said to me: "Please don't ever break up with him. I want us to always be friends, and if you break up, we can't anymore."

My therapist says that the loss of this relationship is the loss of not just Brad, but the potential loss of all the friends I made over the past year, of a company that has taken me in from the cold when my other one fell apart.

I try to be strong (Brad is so strong, he is! You have to be strong like me!)...and I'm just sad. Very sad.

And then...I get a little angry. I have moments of anger. And I have to embrace those. I can still try to be a part of the company and I want to be friends with these people who I have come to care about, and I guess I will; but I am not a robot and can't compartmentalize my feelings (as Brad as done).

Through tears and anger and sadness, I look at a songbook...and I laugh...for it reminds me of my ex-husband as well (the songbook itself) and I think of what song or verse would I sing right now, as I sit in my apartment, surrounded by the remnants of what Brad left behind (which includes me, even though it was just a matter of who wanted to say 'we're broken up' first out loud) and I have to hand it to Bob Dylan: he really knows his stuff.

So long honey, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
Goodbye's too good a word, babe
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't saying you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right.

There. That just about says it...for now.

The BUST Magazine 15-Year Party Was AWESOME

BUST magazine had its 15-Year anniversary party two nights ago, and it was SO much fun. I went with Tonja, and we got to mingle with staff members, eat awesome cupcakes, and see sexy acrobat dancers.

They were giving away, with the price of the tickets that we bought (that ended up being sold out; I got about four emails from friends who I had told to come and waited too late to get their ticket and were unable to get in) a subscription to BUST (which is awesome) and the first 200 or so people got a goodie bag full of all kinds of yum yum...well, the bag itself was a super cool zipper bag, and probably a handmade item by a member of BUST's Boobtique. I was just happy about that. But inside were everything from free cds, to cute earbuds covers for your iPod headphones, a superchick coloring book, body oils...coupons for 25% of Dr. Martens...and an assortment of thingies...and a VIBRATOR. I was really happy about that.

BIG GRIN



Dr. Marten had a photo booth set up so we could take pics whenever we wanted, and we could just go to the BUST website and download our pics. Oh, and did I mention that Amy Sedaris was headlining as the MC, and there were so many wonderful acts it would make your head spin?

Thank you, BUST, for a great time. I went to the Union Pool party last year with Rosie, and although that was fun, this was just even more so. You all do it with such style - and I know that there are only a few of you doing the whole thing, so how you actually spin Gold like that is incredible.

BTW...the band Royal Pink, some of whose members are ladies who work for/with BUST magazine, is a great fun chick band who played last year at the BUST party and who my roommate, Burlesque performer Dizzy Swank, has asked to play at his birthday party/burlesque show this coming weekend. It should be a rockin' weekend!!!

Break-Ups: Using Hancock to Help Me Deal With It

NOTE: THIS ENTRY MENTIONS THE MOVIE HANCOCK AND CONTAINS SPOILERS. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT OR DON'T KNOW THE SURPRISE ENDING, DON'T READ ON.

So, it looks like my boyfriend and I are breaking up. Not like it's coming as a shock; the handwriting was on the wall several months ago, really, and since we are now only coming upon our one-year anniversary, I guess that it all means that perhaps it just wasn't meant to be, eh?

However, I'm having a much tougher time with it than I had thought I would. I callously said to friends a few months ago that by...August, actually, we'd probably break up, because we would no longer have three things keeping us together: tickets to a cruise, tickets to see Joe Cocker and Steve Miller, and - most importantly - the fact that he was directing me in a play for his theatre company and he couldn't break up with the actress during the run or before the run, right? It would fuck up the show.

Well, it seems that my premonition was correct. Or was it simply a self-fulfilling prophecy? I used to accuse him of doing that: he talked about the end of our relationship on our first few dates - and I told him to stop or there would be no more dates. Then I ended up doing the same thing after we were already six months into the relationship. So now, it's August, we went on the cruise, we saw the show, and we did the play with success. Now, all we have left is a couple who loves each other very much but who has difficulty just being together. During the cruise and even during some moments after it, before it got stressful with the play, we had some really lovely moments together. I had started thinking maybe, just maybe, this might work out!!! And then, that hope died "like a blade of grass", coining a phrase that Anthony Hopkins says in the movie The World's Fastest Indian. The grass grew in spring, thrived in summer, it was beautiful while it lasted, but faded away in the end of fall.



Some friends of mine, a couple that have been together a while, and knew that I had been really happy about my boyfriend when the times where good - hell, that I was glad to have someone as wonderful as he had the potential to be in my life - asked me if I had seen the new movie Hancock, with Will Smith. I had seen it, and I really enjoyed it - my boyfriend and I went; although I was really bummed out at the end when I realized it was more of a love story about two people who couldn't be happy together than an action movie -- only because I was sitting next to the man that I loved but knew that in a month or so we would no longer be together. I had originally gone to get away from reality and just relax. Hell, the Chainsaw Massacre would have been relaxing.

But I digress.



So I told my friends, I said that yes, I had seen it and really loved it - despite what reviewers had said. The husband of the couple said this to me (and I'll paraphrase Rob's talk to me): that the movie showed you how two people who really loved each other so much...could still not be right for each other. At all. And no matter what you try to do, no matter how much that love consumes you - you can't be together because you don't bring out the best in each other, or you unintentionally hurt each other, or...well - you simply aren't meant to be together. And no amount of love you have for one another will every change that. And eventually, you'll just hurt each other...keep one another from their dreams/desires...or drive them mad. Or, as in the case of Hancock, get into such huge fights that you cause earth-shattering destruction.



So what does this mean for our hero, kids? Am I going to become a crime-fighting, booze-guzzling, wreck who can't get along with others? Some might say I'm halfway there (minus the crime-fighting), but that's another story...

No. I'm just really, really sad. This is the longest relationship I've had since my divorce...I almost feel like I'm getting divorced again. It hurts very much, but all of us have an inner strength that we try to find - and when we find it, we can move mountains. Hancock did. Why can't I?

Dizzy Swank Celebrates 40 The Old Fashioned Way: With a BURLESQUE SHOW!!!

My Roommate and illustrious (perhaps notorious) pal, Dizzy Swank, will be celebrating his 40th Bday party with pure class - a GREAT burlesque show, complete with a performance by stage Rockstar Divas Royal Pink - whom some of you may have seen at the BUST party out at Union Pool last summer.




Anyway, please come - I will be helping out my pal and the show will be fantastic. There really is no better way to celebrate someone's bday party than with booze, music, and pasties. I'm serious. (And these chicks are HOT)

Also, to those of you who didn't make it out to my show, here is a chance to redeem yourself: the tix are only $5 at the door, and it will be in honor of a fun bday party.

So...come one, come all!

See you there,
Dianna