Sunday, August 31, 2008

Long Weekends Are Longer When You're Sad

I am surrounded by things that are either his, or things we did together, or things that remind me of him.

And I reach out to people that I met through him during the last year, and I hope that they have not decided to stop talking to me. He wants me to be an integral part of the theatre company now. He says that we are still friends, and there is no reason why the others can't be.

One of them, one of my favorites, who I would gladly consider a dear friend even though I never see him; whose company I enjoyed so much for he reminded me of my friends back in Mississippi mixed with the urban intelligence (we've lived in similar parts of the country) of the big cities of being bi-coastal, and whose take on acting I respect very, very much said to me: "Please don't ever break up with him. I want us to always be friends, and if you break up, we can't anymore."

My therapist says that the loss of this relationship is the loss of not just Brad, but the potential loss of all the friends I made over the past year, of a company that has taken me in from the cold when my other one fell apart.

I try to be strong (Brad is so strong, he is! You have to be strong like me!)...and I'm just sad. Very sad.

And then...I get a little angry. I have moments of anger. And I have to embrace those. I can still try to be a part of the company and I want to be friends with these people who I have come to care about, and I guess I will; but I am not a robot and can't compartmentalize my feelings (as Brad as done).

Through tears and anger and sadness, I look at a songbook...and I laugh...for it reminds me of my ex-husband as well (the songbook itself) and I think of what song or verse would I sing right now, as I sit in my apartment, surrounded by the remnants of what Brad left behind (which includes me, even though it was just a matter of who wanted to say 'we're broken up' first out loud) and I have to hand it to Bob Dylan: he really knows his stuff.

So long honey, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
Goodbye's too good a word, babe
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't saying you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right.


There. That just about says it...for now.

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