A Classic Naughty Religious Joke

My friend AspieGoddess posted this on MySpace, and I hadn't heard it in a while and it just made me laugh and laugh...

I get moody and sour around this time of year (hell, when am I not just plain ornery?) so this was a wonderful thing.

I thought I'd share it with y'all, even though I'm sure many have heard it:


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Tee hee hee!!

;)

Happy Turkey Day!

I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving! Enjoy yourself and try to relax, whether its with family and friends or just by yourself in quiet contemplation, try to remember two things:

1)There is always something to be thankful about.
2)Be a nice person today. You can always be a bastard tomorrow.

;)

Billychic

Kramer vs. Kramer?

What is THIS sound?
It's the sound of career suicide.

I had to turn it off because it was so disturbing. In case some of you haven't heard, Michael Richards - Kramer on Seinfeld - was doing a comic stint at the Laugh Factory in L.A. and when he was heckled by some black audience members, he went into a racist tirade that can only be described as horrible. He used the "n" word several times, made a reference to lynchings -

What the fuck happened to Richards? I can only think he must have been coked up out of his mind - but no matter what the reason, be it simply that he hasn't had the success he did since he was on Seinfeld, nothing excuses how he behaved.

He has since apologized, but how do you apologize for something like that?

I will always love the work he did on Seinfeld, but I honestly can't get over what he did in the club - watch the video, it's really scary.

He makes Mel Gibson look like Ed Koch.

R.I.P. Jack Palance

We've lost another great one - Jack Palance, a wonderful actor and lovable bad boy of the screen and stage, died Friday night. If you take a look at his filmography, it's mind-blowing.

One thing that upsets me is that he was never given a lifetime achievement award from the Academy of Motion Pictures. I understand that giving one to someone like Dustin Hoffman is a great idea - Hoffman is one of the best actors of the last four decades - however, he's still young, he's still a pup. They should give older actors like Palance an award for all that they have contributed - because odds are they won't be around as long.


Although an actor that has been around for ages and has starred in films like Shane and Panic in the Streets (directed by Elia Kazan), he became endeared to a whole new generation when he won an Oscar for City Slickers.
Palance was simple in his work - as opposed to over-the-top - and he used himself and created characters that were so memorable and believable. He didn't buy into all the hollywood bullshit - he just did his thing and he did it with class.


Apparently, I met him when I was nearly four. My mother was guest-starring on the TV series Bronk (see the first picture, above) and she brought me onto the set. He picked me up and whirled me around. She says that he was a kind, sweet gentleman who was an amazing actor and whom she has a great deal of respect for.

He will be missed. I hope he's acting, boxing and doing one-handed pushups up yonder.

Still Under the Weather and My Doc Prescribed Topamax - Any Suggestions?

Again, I've been MIA due to some health issues I'm dealing with, and have been dealing with for two months now. Nov. 7th marked the "two month exactly" mark - I'm just happy that my kitty Nina is getting better and running around beating up the other cats - now Mom has to get better.

I just had a brain MRI on Tuesday - but I'm sure it's not my brain (well, maybe a few brain cells short from all the grass I used to smoke, but nothing bad), and that it's the inner ear/vestibular thing I mentioned in previous blog entries, but better to check and be sure.

The neurologist I saw this week said the thought I had Benign Positional Vertigo, which is inner ear related...

Regardless, I just want to find out what the hell's going on. I'm tired all the time (even writing my Blogs has been too much work, really) and the vertigo thing is sucking big time.
I also started getting really bad headaches...moreso near the time of my period (get ready all you male readers, to barf, I know - sorry) but they seemed to have the signs of being Migraines.
So the doc prescribed Topamax - it's fda approved to be a preventative for Migraines. He thinks that my headaches might be related to the vertigo in some way...

What is weird to me is that Topamax is mainly used to treat epilepsy and lessen seizures, as well as other uses...
I was checking out CrazyMeds.org's site about the drug, and there are a lot of side effects because it is focusing on the lobes of the brain. Some of them are memory loss and cognitive impairment. and kidney stones.

Great. Just what I need. I've been really depressed for a while, now I'll just be dumb and depressed and unable to pee.

As the doctor slid the 42-tablet sample bottle across the table to me he said "One of the side effects is weight loss. Some people like that."
Goody, I thought - because I've gained weight and one could easily fit a six pack on my ass as a side table - while I was standing.

However, I am cautious about taking this drug...anything that messes with the brain's cognitive abilities is scary to me. That's why I haven't taken anti-depressants even thought they have been gently suggested from time to time.

So, I'm throwing this out into the cybersphere - if anyone has any suggestions or cautionary tales or success stories on this, please let me know.

Another reason to go to Blossom Vegan Restaurant...

Three Chicks of the Veggie Train
Originally uploaded by Billychic.

You run into cool chicks like me, Erica, and Rosie.

This was taken a while ago, but I came across it recently and it made me smile.