Thursday, June 22, 2006

Separation Anxiety

In about one week, it will be two years that I have been separated from my husband.

Our divorce papers are in the works, but it's such an odd thing; it really doesn't seem like it's been that long at all. I'm very much used to him not being here (and relieved - no offense to him, the apartment is small) and I've gotten used to him really not being in my life. It's not by choice really - or is it?

He has a serious girlfriend now, with whom he has been with since last summer. But I suppose I was putting a wedge there even earlier; not that I didn't want to be friends with him - I very much wanted to try to remain friends. But I was afraid that if we were too close after his moving out, that we would fall back into the familiarity - and into the marriage again, and I knew that that wasn't going to work. We couldn't live together anymore and there was no doubt in my mind that although I loved him dearly, I couldn't remain married to him.

I think we were really good friends. It's really kind of sad that we have grown so far apart. I still maintain his website, but I suppose that will come to a halt at some point soon. Many of my friends think I should stop doing it now, but it would be such a hassle, since I have it set up under my name, etc. We see each other about once a month - but it's really only when we need to discuss financial issues. We never hang out anymore.

Well, considering that when we do and we start taking a trip down memory lane I start to cry, no wonder. Poor guy, he can't hang out without my turning on the waterworks.

It's not so much that I miss being with him - I can honestly say that I don't. I no longer have to apologize for my pets nor my taste in horror flicks; I can lounge in my home without having to listen to Bob Dylan (no offense to BD fans, I love the guy but after 4 1/2 years of being forced to listen to almost nothing but Bob, I can say that I don't miss him much more than the ex-hubby) and I can watch all "non-artiste" movies I want (i.e. any sci-fi/horror/suspense/anime) without being made fun of for my bourgeois tastes.

Hey, if I want to sit around chugging PBR in my underwear watching Matrix or LOTR - all three movies of each - followed by reading a yummy vampire novel, I'm gonna do it, capiche?

I found an interesting website, that had an interesting section on moving on after the divorce. I recommend that you check it out if you find that you're feeling bummed, rather out of sorts, lost in sentimental melancholy as you stumble across pictures, or generally feel a bit freaked out -- er, like me as of late.

I think perhaps I started feeling a bit weird once the papers were in order, signed, and the lawyer sent them off - but then again, I knew that we were never going to turn back anyway, so I don't know why it's effecting me like this. My first marriage was such an "get in, get out, nobody gets hurt" kind of thing (well, except my Dad - he was the one who paid 30 grand on a reception), that I didn't realize that this marriage had been the real deal - and that's why it hurts so much.

But c'mon: my first husband was a small, furry little man whose dreams never exceeded how to repair his Mazda RX7. Considering that I was married to a hobbit (although he was an excellent pool shark and kayaker) it's not hard to see that that marriage lasted only 10 months.

Yeah, I'm a fuckup.


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